


Living for the Hope of It All

by PurrsephoneQuinn27



Series: BAEs & HIMBOs [2]
Category: Hannibal (TV), Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Feels, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25626157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurrsephoneQuinn27/pseuds/PurrsephoneQuinn27
Summary: Sonny is devastated by the sudden disappearance of Rafael, until he gets a call about Rafael from a burn unit. Angst with a happy ending.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: BAEs & HIMBOs [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1857352
Comments: 8
Kudos: 11





	Living for the Hope of It All

**Author's Note:**

> so my friend sl_hogwartsalumni started these hcs that the Hannibal and SVU universes are connected, bc we both watched Hannibal this summer, and my love for Chilton came SCREAMING back, and so ofc the next logical step was to watch seasons 15-19 of SVU. So as I'm doing that, I'm obviously shipping Rafael Barba with Sonny Carisi, and SL is getting the full force of my feels bc I text them incessantly throughout every. single. episode. uhhhh and anyway they hc'd that Chilton and Barba are the same person, and so that's what's going on here. They wrote the fic before this one, and i was upset by angst, so they told me to fix it, and I LIVE for fluff. Anyway, their fic was for Taylor's song August, bc I heard the line I ended up using for my title and loved it so much  
> also worth noting I literally haven't written a fic for a fandom since Beauty and the Beast in 2017, which is insane. I didn't write for Reddie or Harringrove, but in my defense, I went through a lot of unpleasantess in the elapsed years

As Rafael slipped out the door, he finally let the tears fall. He knew he was ruining his own life, but more than that, he knew it was for the best. He knew it was only a matter of time before Sonny couldn't deal with all his issues, and it really didn't help that now Rollins was pushing herself into the picture.  
Getting into the Uber, he allowed himself one last look at the beach house. He heaved a long sigh, and turned back to his phone, switching back to who he had to be to deal with whatever was about to happen with Hannibal.

~~~

As Sonny began slowly waking up, he immediately knew something was wrong. With his eyes still closed, he rolled towards Rafael's side of the couch, and, upon feeling nothing, his eyes shot open. "Rafael?" His own voice sounded off to him, hanging in the air of the apparently empty house. Sonny tried to keep himself calm. No need to panic just yet. He stood up from the couch and began working his way through the house, all the while feeling more and more anxious. As he headed downstairs, he slipped his hand into the pocket of his sweatpants and felt paper in there. That was odd. He pulled it out and recognized Rafael's handwriting. His heart stopped at the words written on it.  
"I'm sorry"

He flipped it over, but the other side was blank. He sank down to sit on the stairs and cradled his head in his hands. This couldn't be happening. This had to be a nightmare. His throat tightened, and he let the tears come.  
Sonny let himself be sad for a while, but logically he knew he had to get up and figure this out. He got up from the stairs and made his way back up them to get his phone from beside the bed. Snatching it up, he immediately called Rafael's number. Straight to voicemail. This was not a great sign. Briefly he considered calling Olivia, but decided against it. Nothing bad had happened. Well. Yes it had. But not crime bad. He ran his hands through his hair, thinking. He tried Rafael's number again. "Hey Raf, it's me. I got your note and--" Here, his voice broke. "Where are you? What's going on? Just please call me back." He hung up so the voicemail wouldn't catch his wet breaths. 

~~~

It had been a month since Sonny had heard from Rafael. He was still hurt, but he couldn't help but still love him, no matter what wise advice Olivia had given him. He knew that had been a tough conversation for her, because Rafael was her friend too.

Sonny was sitting at his desk, vaguely doing paperwork, but thinking of Rafael, as he often was, when his phone rang. Picking it up, he saw that it was from a Maryland area code, which was strange, because the case they were on now was in Jersey.

"Hello?" An unfamiliar voice greeted him, "Is this Mr. Dominick Carisi?" He sat up straighter. Nothing good ever came of anyone using his real name. "Yes, this is he," he said warily. "Yes, I'm with the Baltimore Trauma Center, and I'm calling because we have a Mr. Frederick Chilton here, and you're listed as his emergency contact." Sonny nearly dropped the phone at this. Not only was Rafael in a hospital, a burn center?? But he was using his old, professional name. "Can you tell me what happened? What is your address? Is he okay? I'm on my way now." Pressing the phone to his ear with his shoulder, he jumped up and began gathering his things. Across the squadroom, Olivia looked up, concerned. The man on the phone was giving him a Baltimore address, and he heard himself repeating it back and hanging up.

"Carisi, everything okay?" Olivia had suddenly appeared at his side. "Uh, no, uh, it's Rafael, he's in the hospital for a serious burn." Olivia looked stricken at this. "Go. Don't worry about us here. Call me as soon as you get in. And Sonny," he paused at the sound of her using his first name. "It'll all be okay. Just take a breath." Sonny looked into her face and let out the breath he hadn't even realized he was holding. She pulled him into a brief hug, and then pushed him toward the door. "Fly safe."

~~~

Sonny burst into Baltimore Trauma Center, startling the few families sitting in the main entrance hall. He was disheveled and red faced, full of sadness and anger and nerves.  
"Sir?" he heard a voice floating from somewhere. Whipping his head around, he caught sight of the reception desk, and ran over to it. "Sir, can I help you?"  
Sonny ran over to the desk, and began, out of breath, "Uh, I'm here for, Frederick Chilton, I'm his partner."

The receptionist gave him directions for the burn unit. Sonny's ears were ringing. Everything was happening so much. He had been so angry with Rafael for leaving him, but now. Just the thought of losing him for good was bringing back all of his real feelings. He loved Rafael so much, and these last few months had been painful, but they were nothing compared to this. Looking up, he saw that he was at the entrance to the burn unit. He braced himself, and pushed through the doors.

He saw another nurses station, so he crossed the hall to it. "Hi, uh, I'm looking for Frederick Chilton?" He was running his hands nervously through his hair and crying not to completely break down. The nurse behind the desk typed something into his computer, and said, "He's in recovery. Room 308. But," he cautioned, as Sonny started to take off. "He's in really bad condition. So just be ready." Sonny nodded, and made his way down the hall to Rafael's room. He carefully opened the door, not wanting to wake Rafael if he was resting.

The sight of Rafael was shocking, and Sonny let out an audible gasp and fell back against the wall. His heart twisted in his chest. His sweet, gentle Rafael was completely covered in burns, and seemed to have stitches around his mouth. Sonny took a shuddering breath and closed his eyes, willing himself not to lose it right then and there. Once he was sure he had it under control, he moved over to the chair by Rafael's bed, and sat down. "Oh Raf," he breathed, bringing his hands up to cover his mouth. At the sound of his voice, Rafael stirred.

"Raf?" he said in a shaking voice. Rafael opened his eyes, and, upon seeing Sonny, immediately started crying. "Sonny," Rafael started, but immediately fell into a coughing fit. Sonny looked around worriedly for water, and saw a cup of ice chips with a spoon on the table next to the bed. He poured some into the spoon, and held the spoon up for Rafael to drink from. Setting the spoon down, his hand moved to carefully hold Rafael's arm. "Just take it easy," Sonny said softly. Once Rafael had his breathing back to normal he tried again, but Sonny cut him off.

"Why did you leave like that?" Sonny hadn't meant to say it, he'd meant to start off light, considering Rafael's condition, but it was too late now.  
Even heavily injured, Rafael still managed his trademark annoyed look, but it was quickly replaced by sorrow. "I just...I just couldn't..."  
"Just couldn't what?" Sonny was losing control of his cool. In the back of his mind he knew now was not the time to have this conversation, but he also could not stop himself. "Could't bring yourself to tell me if something was wrong? Couldn't have the decency to actually tell me goodbye? No, you had to leave me a note. Do you even know what went through my head when I woke up and you weren't there, and all I had was this nothing note from you?"

Silent tears were making their way down Rafael's burned face. Sonny saw them, but kept going. "I thought you loved me! I thought we were in it for the long run! And then, months go by, I don't hear nothin from you? Until I get this call from a burn unit?" Sonny ran his hands through his hair, trying to calm himself down. He was fucking this up so bad.

"Sonny," Rafael tried again. "What??" Sonny barked. Rafael shrank back at that. Never in all the time they'd known each other had Sonny raised his voice at him like that.  
Seeing that, Sonny backed off. He knew he was taking it too far. He sat back down, rubbing his hands over his face. "Raf. I just. I need you to know this was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I was heartbroken. And when I got that call, all my feelings for you came rushing back. I literally caught the next flight out. I still love you, even though I am unbelievably furious with you." 

Rafael looked at him sadly. "I am so sorry for everything I put you through. I was going through a bad time and--"

"And why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you!" Sonny interjected.

"My insecurities were coming back. And you were spending so much time with Rollins--"

"I--!" Sonny started, but Rafael reached up and put his hand over his mouth. "Please. This is hard enough without you jumping all over me every other word."

Sonny sat back, and crossed his arms. "Proceed, Counselor," he said, both wincing a little at the affectionate nickname.

Rafael started again. "You kept inviting Rollins out places, and you knew how she felt about you, and you still did it, and I let myself think you were going to leave me for her." At this, Sonny opened his mouth to object, but Rafael held his hand up. "And the morning I...left you." He stopped here, seemingly too choked up to go on. Sonny was mad, but he couldn't help but reach out and touch Rafael's hand. Rafael looked down at their hands sadly, and continued. "I'd gotten a call from Jack Crawford," he paused as Sonny's grip on his hand tightened. "Ouch, Sonny, loosen up." Sonny immediately snatched his hand back, and Rafael looked sad at the loss of contact. "and he told me they needed me back here to get Hannibal Lecter to talk."

At this Sonny jumped up. "Did he do this to you? oh my god I'm such an asshole, I haven't even asked who did this to you! I'll kill him! I'll kill him!"  
"Sonny! Lower your voice!" Rafael reached for Sonny, but fell back against his pillows with a grunt of pain. Sonny quickly sat back down and reached for Rafael, gently taking hold of his arm again. "It wasn't Hannibal. It was this serial killer that called himself The Great Red Dragon that had been calling Hannibal at his cell. But he's dead now, so you don't have to kill anyone." Sonny looked visibly reassured by this news.

"Okay. Okay. But. Rafael, I wish you'd just talked to me. I could have come with you, I could have protected you." At that, Rafael's eyes filled with tears again. "Sonny, I was so wrong to do what I did. I'm so sorry for hurting you like that."

Sonny gingerly took hold of Rafael's hand. "All of this was, well, a lot. But I never stopped loving you. I think we'll definitely need to change some things in the future. But my god, the thought of losing you--" he took a shaky breath. "Please take me with you the next time you get a call like that. And please just talk to me if something's going on, you can't just keep it inside like this again." Rafael nodded. "I promise."

Sonny took a deep breath to ask a dangerous question. "Is it okay if I stay?" Rafael's face lit up. "I was going to insist you tell the hospital to shove it and move in."  
Sonny carefully sat on the edge of Rafael's bed and leaned over him, softly kissing his forehead. "I love you so, so much," he whispered into his skin. Rafael tried to put his arms around Sonny, but couldn't due to the burns. "Can you just--"

Sonny was way ahead of him. He sat back so he could take his shoes off, and then delicately pulled the covers back from Rafael so he could scoot in next to him. With some maneuvering, he managed to arrange them so that Rafael was resting on his chest, and Sonny's arms were around him. He was kind of thinking this probably was against hospital policy, but he really couldn't bring himself to care. This was long overdue.

Rafael moved his head to his favorite spot, against Sonny's shoulder in the crook of his neck. He sighed contentedly. "I missed you so much," he whispered. Sonny pulled him closer. "You have no idea."

Sonny held him as tightly as he felt safe, given Rafael's condition. But he had to hold him, couldn’t let him go, he had to know he was safe and not going anywhere. He felt Rafael, shaking, and quickly pulled back to look down and make sure he was okay. "Raf?" he said, sounding slightly panicked. "Is everything okay?" But Rafael was laughing. "You know," he said, "I don't think you even realized, when you were yelling at me, that was the first time you said you loved me."  
Sonny buried his face in Rafael's hair. "Oh my god," he breathed out. Rafael had stopped laughing, and was looking up at Sonny with a soft look on his face. Sonny smiled down at him. "Well it's true," he whispered. "I love you more than I can even comprehend, more than you can imagine."

"Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea," Rafael countered, settling back against Sonny. Sonny began rubbing his back slowly and carefully so he didn’t disturb the bandages or cause his Rafa any unnecessary pain. Sonny could feel Rafael start to relax into his chest and drift towards sleep but not before he whispered the one sentence that finally pulled Sonny over the edge of tears. "I love you too, Sonny, with every part of my heart and soul." Voice shaking with emotion, Sonny said, "Sleep now. I'll be here when you wake up."


End file.
